Utah SAINT

This is a little off topic. I know it’s hard to believe that writing and building a cult following aren’t my only interests… Gasp, shock , horror! Now, calm down my loyal followers, everything will be alright. It’s just that I thought this might be of some worth, especially for those of you who are securing something valuable with a padlock. Say, your wallet in a locker, your expensive boat, even your Netflix password in your hope chest. I’m not saying I have a hope chest mind you, and if I did, it wouldn’t have to be big. My hopes seem to be diminishing as time goes by. My biggest hope now is for a Café Rio pork salad for lunch. Mmmm. I don’t think it would keep very long in a chest. I tried keeping one in my car for emergencies. Talk about the quickest way to remove that new car smell!

Okay, back on topic. I got home from a Utah SAINT conference last week. Note: the word SAINT is misleading. I’d say most everyone that room would not come remotely close to sainthood, myself excluded. Hence the reason I’m trying to start a cult, or a readership base. I dunno, I’ll go with whatever comes first. SAINT stands for Security and Incident Network Team, or something like that. Basically it’s a group of security geeks from around Utah. We get together once a year, and talk about IT security. We usually do hacking challenges, learn about new tools, techniques, etc.. This year they focused a little more on physical security. Locks, windows, doors, etc. Stuff I’m already somewhat familiar with.

Anyway, in the conference they demonstrated how easy it is to pick locks. I’ve done some of this on very cheap old locks, but this was an eye opener. You know all those combination pad locks you see on gym lockers? Stop laughing! Yes, I have seen the inside of a gym! Can we move on now? Thank you. As I was saying, it’s actually easier to open those through nefarious means then to actually dial in the combo. What about your $30 lock? Not much different. If you’re interested in how it’s done, just look up padlock shims on the internet. My word of advice, you’re going to have to get into the $80-$100 pad locks. That is, if you actually want to secure something. Same thing goes for you house locks, except those run about $200-$300. Of course, shelling out $300 for a decent house lock makes little sense if you have a window right next to the lock that can easily be smashed. Nor is it wise to buy a $100 pad lock to secure a $50 bike. However, $80 to secure you wallet (i.e. identity) in a locker, or your $5,000 dirt bike, is well worth the money. Sadly, security usually only improves after something bad happens.

Who You Know

Come to find out, it’s kind of hard to get published. No, seriously, it’s not that easy. Cheaper by the Dozen sooo lied to us! It seems like everyone is writing a book. In fact, is there anyone out there who isn’t? Some ideas are pretty lame; and if I can say that, that’s saying something. I mean, is there really a demand for a 250,000 word, middle grade, paranormal, historical fiction novel centered around the journey of a young women’s quest to fill out her Netflix signup form and thereby complete her rite of passage to women hood? I don’t care if you do have strong female characters! It’s still a dumb idea!! Okay… I’d buy it.

So, why is it so hard? All I can figure out is that 25% of your chance of success is a good idea, the other 25% is your writing, and the remainder is who you know. Don’t believe me? I present my anecdotal evidence.

On the website Guide to Literary Agents, in a section entitled, How I Got My Agent, an author named Billy Coffey describes how he got his agent… Well no duh, what else would it be about? Anyway, he describes how he queried lots of agents, got some interest, but no offers. So, he starts a blog. After eight months, one of his readers says she can put him in touch with her agent, Rachelle Gardner. Okay, so what’s the big deal? Well, he’d already queried her and she had politely said, “No.” He contacts Rachelle again though his reader, and this time, she says,” Yes!” What changed? Is it like jury selection? I ask, because I had to go today. Why did I get passed by and the guy next to me get selected? We looked about the same, had about the same facial hair, used the same posture, and we answered the questions the same. I mean, when I yelled, “Off with her head,” I wasn’t being serious. Not that I’m complaining; I didn’t really want to do it anyway (despite the lame video they showed us, which was obviously produced by the lowest bidder). And if they are going to threaten us with a $1000 fine and 30 days in jail for not showing up, you’d think they would put the check-in time on the @#^$& notice!! No, I couldn’t call and ask, the phones were off; and the message simply said the trial was on. Thank goodness for my brilliant deductive powers! I showed up when the courthouse opened, prepared to curse them for their lack of instruction. Who knew it was really the right time? The other jurors complained about the same thing—at least those who came.

Woops, off the res again. In short, I’m not sure what to think about this whole networking for contacts thing. It seems like your work should stand on its own. Oh well…I guess I’ll try querying Rachelle now.

I am insane.

Whoops, I guess I forgot about this blog thing that I promised, in a moment of weakness, to keep up to date. But, since I am trying to build a cult following, I shall continue writing for my adoring fans. Why yes, delusion does runs in the family. Why else would I want to start a cult? (See my first post for an explanation.)

Hmm, what to write about? Well, since I started this webpage to keep you all informed on the train wreck—i.e. me trying to get published, (I know it’s hard to divert the eyes), I’ll write about why I started this insanity—i.e. writing a novel. In fact, if you would’ve asked me if I wanted to write a book, up until a few weeks before I started writing Marysvale, I would’ve replied, “I’d rather slide down razor blades into a pool of lemon juice.” (Note: Netflix subscription form excluded.) I think my high school English teachers would have had the same response to reading a book written by me. So how did it happen? Well, I had this strange dream, probably caused by eating a Polish hotdog that didn’t sit quite right. Once that worked its way out of my system, I had a less bizarre dream that was very, very emotional and real. It was the kind of dream that keeps you up after having it and makes you think about it throughout the next day. I thought it would make an excellent book and mulled over the idea of writing it someday. Thus, my aversion to writing began slipping away. Someday turned out to be only a few days away, when I had another emotional dream. I thought this one was very unique, and I started to write it down. It consumed almost all my free time. I wrote on the bus, in the car, at the park, waiting for my wife in the store, camping, I even used vacation time. Many a great TV shows went un-watched. Ten months later, Marysvale was born. Since then, I’ve had all kinds of ideas for books. B’lue won’t let me write any of them until I finish the sequel to Marysvale, which is about a quarter of the way done. Marysvale, by the way, is a real town; and no, I haven’t been there. I hear the mountains there are beautiful; and since it is fall time, I think I’ll go check it out shortly. Though, when I wrote Marysvale, I set it in more of a New England setting than a high mountain one. And yes, I have been to New England.

Biography

I’m about to scare away any possible agents, I probably shouldn’t have included my web address in any of the queries, but I can’t help it, I’m having too much fun with this.

One agent asked for a bio, which includes your writing career. I looked though my closet and couldn’t find my Nebula award—turns out I only won it in a dream. So, I got joking with Sue about my bio and wrote on her facebook page, “Jared’s most notable writing success is his Netflix Subscription form.” Apparently, agents don’t like to see things like that for your writing credentials—go figure. Sue suggested I include the forged get-out-of-school notes. After I stopped laughing, I decided to write the biography I wish I could send to an agent. Who knows, maybe I will. What’s one more rejection anyway? Here goes:

Jared Southwick entered this world in Salt Lake City, Utah in 1492. Jared has had the opportunity of traveling and living in different parts of the world. He thoroughly loved the many different cultures, cuisine, and associated foodborne illnesses. Jared earned his bachelor’s degree in e-business just in time to experience the dot com burst. Since developing an addiction to sustenance, he currently enjoys steady employment as a Security Analyst for the government.

Jared’s depth as a writer and attention to detail has progressed tremendously over the years. After having been dealt defeating blows to his writing career during his junior high school days, his breakthrough came in high school with the epiphany that his father’s signature was much easier to forge than his mother’s. This also led to the discovery that his father was much more liberal and tolerant of his social life then his oppressive, but well-intended, mother (whose conservative policies and views on teenage life may have been shaped by her brief 35-year stint as a junior high school health teacher). These revelations also had the added benefit of giving him a badly needed boost in confidence; which was soon followed by a string of literary successes, and much more free time. Jared’s most notable writing success is his Netflix Subscription form, which has opened the door to many wonderful book-to-big-screen-movie deals.

Jared and his wife, B’lue, live in the shadow of the Wasatch Front mountain range.

What's your writing bio?

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe

Okay, so what is a query letter? Well, it’s a hideous invention c’oncocted up by agents just to make life miserable for writers. From my perspective, writing a novel is like building a car. Authors are the engineers. They painstakingly create all the details and figure out how to put them all together. When done, they get shoved a plaid jacket, a pager, a hair piece, and get told to go sell the car. A query is basically a sales pitch asking an agent to represent our book. In its most basic form, a query is kind of like the description of the book you would find on its jacket. And I guess it is necessary, as agents get hundreds of submissions a week. The logistics make it impossible for them to read every book. So, I guess queries aren’t really to make life miserable. It’s just an added bonus for agents, and pay back for burying them in a mountain of proposals.

Why do I need an agent? Well, I don’t— if I can just sell a hundred copies at a thousand dollars each. Can I put you down for one?

I have two queries. The first one is, well, the first one I wrote, and the second is the newer of the two. So, which one is better? Which of the two entices you the most to read the book?

Query 1

In a superstitious, puritan society, anyone unusual is treated with suspicion, distrust, and sometimes even killed. Despite his best efforts, John finds himself accused of witchcraft. The problem for him is; they’re right! And so John does the only thing he’s ever done—run! That is, until he meets Jane.

To call John a warlock is a stretch. No magic shoots from a wand, nor do elves accompany him in his journey; but he is gifted at reading the souls of men. Because of the 18^th century superstitions of his day, he believes his gift to be a curse. However, as his fate begins to unfold, he discovers it to be a source of great strength.

During the flight from his would-be executioners, John finds himself lost in the forest and besieged by soulless monsters which he never dreamed could exist. Only the kindness of Sarah, a stranger, saves him.

At Sarah’s request, he escorts Jane and her younger sister, Hannah, who are like daughters to her, back to the bleak, imprisoned town of Marysvale, to liberate their father. Life outside the safety of the town walls means certain death at the hands of the monsters that hunt there; but life inside, under the tyranny of the powerful Lord Wright, and his maniacal son, Lyman, means no life at all.

In the town, Jane captures the unwanted fantasies of Lyman, while John quickly earns the attention of the lord, who is determined to extract the deadly secret of Marysvale from him; a secret that John doesn’t realize he holds. The knowledge, if made known, would upset the absolute power of Lord Wright and his plans for conquest—information both he and his son will do anything to keep hidden, no matter the cost. As the love between John and Jane grows, John faces a desperate struggle for his own life and the monumental task of helping his new friends escape the oppression of Marysvale.

Marysvale is a fast-paced, intense story that falls a bit on the darker side, but has plenty of humor and lighter moments to keep it from becoming too overwhelming. At the heart of this tale are the strong female characters and their depth and interaction with John—as he discovers for the first time in his life that there is something worth dying for.

Query 2

JOHN CASEY is ten years old when his mother is murdered…and ten when his father hid the truth from him. Without that knowledge, he has no idea of the enemies that lie in wait.

Our tale picks up twelve years later with John in an 18^th century village called Syre. John has grown into an insecure, impulsive, lonely young man trying find his place in a Puritan society, where anyone unusual is treated with suspicion, distrust, and sometimes even killed….And John has some very unusual gifts; foremost being his ability to read the souls of men.

Whenever John’s gifts are revealed, he finds himself in perilous circumstances and fleeing for his life. Syre proves no different, and he is forced to escape on horseback in the dark of night, losing his way in a dangerous forest—a forest that leads back to his past and the truth he doesn’t know he’s seeking.

In the forest, John is besieged by soulless monsters which he never dreamed could exist. Only the kindness of Sarah, a stranger, saves him. At her request, he escorts Jane and her younger sister, Hannah, who are like daughters to Sarah, back to the bleak, imprisoned town of Marysvale, to liberate their father.

Life outside the safety of the town walls means certain death at the hands of the monsters that hunt there; but life inside, under the tyranny of the powerful Lord Wright, and his maniacal son, Lyman, means no life at all. In the town, Jane captures the unwanted fantasies of Lyman, while John quickly earns the attention of the lord, who is determined to extract the deadly secret of Marysvale from him; a secret that John doesn’t realize he holds. The knowledge, if made known, would upset the absolute power of Lord Wright and his plans for conquest—information both he and his son will do anything to keep hidden. As the love between John and Jane grows, John faces a desperate struggle for his own life and the monumental task of helping his new friends escape Marysvale.

Marysvale is a fast-paced, intense story that falls a bit on the darker side, but has plenty of humor and lighter moments to keep it from becoming too overwhelming. At the heart of this tale are the strong female characters and their depth and interaction with John—as he discovers for the first time in his life that there is something worth dying for.

You can cast your vote at the bottom of this page.

Is This Thing On?

Since this is my first post, I’ll tell a little bit about myself—very little. I hate vomiting my life upon people; but believe it or not, there are some who are interested. And for you agents out there who may have accidently stumbled across my blog, I forgive you for being here. And yes, my great-grandma 3 times removed did love my book! Or I’m sure she would have, if she was still alive; and I’m not really sure what three 3 times removed means anyway. Since I’m feeling honest, I’ll point out that I do suffer writer’s ADD; hence the reason I haven’t really told you anything about myself, or what’s going on.

This blog exists because I’ve read that all writers need to have a website and blog. I’m assuming this is in the hopes that my three blog readers will buy my book when it comes out. So, let me reassure my future agent that me, my wife, and mom, will indeed buy copies of my book. If you need more reassurance, then we can rely upon my good looks, or what’s left of them. They seem to have gone a bit south over the years. I blame El Nino. Don’t worry though; with enough money, a physical trainer, plastic surgeon, wardrobe, and a gifted makeup artist, we can turn this ship around in time for me to star as the lead character in the movie adaptation of my book. Don’t let the 16 year age span between me and my character scare you off. I’m a very young 36. Just the other day, I jumped a whole three feet off the back dock at work and I only had to take two Tylenols after! Let’s see my dead great-grandma 3 times removed do that!!

Woops, I’ve gone off the reservation again. Okay, so I also wanted a place where I can share my experiences with this whole writing thing, gain massive amounts of loyal followers, and maybe start my own cult. I don’t know, we’ll play it by ear and see how this thing goes. See that wasn’t so hard to say, was it? Just nod your head and say, “Yes, master.”